Just jump...

I haven't reviewed my former posts so I'm not sure if I have outed myself yet as a Christian. This entry will do that.

There was a sermon a while back at my church relating to listening to what God is calling you to do and having the gusto to go and do it. There were plenty of examples listed and they were quite various...such as the courage to forgive the man in traffic who just tried to end your life with his merging or packing up and moving to a foreign country to serve the poor. Needless to say...it was quite a spread.

I hate sermon's like that. It's because as soon as they start you know something is going to land in your lap that you have to address and more often then not its going to be a challenge. Either something hard to do or just something you plain don't want to do. I'm sure there are a million examples in my life in which it is easy...but I have selective memory and only recall the things that sucked.

For me that was deciding where I was going to be next year. Now I have been aware of this decision since last June. I've had a year to think about it. Have I? Heck yes...every freaking day. This hasn't been an issue of procrastination. This has been an issue of issues.

I have some really big dreams...only I can't rank them...I want all of them. I am going to be a teacher then I will be a principal. Ideally, I'll end up superintendent of a school district, but that rolls onto the other stuff. That comes after I'm married and my 3 kids are securely placed in college and my puppy has become old and lazy.

An old nurse's advice to me was "think of where you want to be in 20, 15, 10 and 5 years and then make your current decisions according to how you're going to get there. However, when you are 22 how do you head towards married with kids and career at the same time? I don't know...you can't know that. Where do I jump then?

So I did that crazy thing that most Christians do and asked God to show me where to go. If you've done that before you probably know that old saying "be careful what you ask for". Understatement.

I got a job in Maryland...exactly where I wanted to be...at the second table I visited at the job fair. Then...I found out it was 10 minutes from where my friend is moving too. Then they were going to pay for me to relocate and give me a computer. Teachers don't get that stuff.

I'm kind of waiting for the blinking road sign to show up on my doorstep at this point.

So now dear readers you are all wondering why this could even be a hard decision to make. Remember the old nurse and the think about your life later thing? Yea...problem.

My ten years involves married, maybe the first kid, dog, and job. In Michigan, with a cute house and big kitchen because I'm obsessed with having people over for any conceivable event I can think of. Not to mention my entire family and the lovely cottage up north that plays host to a good portion of my favorite memories.

That my friend...makes it hard to jump. Because at 22 its all about me and adventures. At 30 I won't feel that way.

Now you can understand the "this was an issue of issues" thing. I struggle with the idea that God wants to take care of me. I know that He has a specific role for me in His kingdom, but I have this view that I am meant to be His worker and that the role I have probably won't include me getting the things I want. Namely, I have never really thought I'd get the whole marriage, family, and dog thing described above.

So...as I make/made this decision the thought process was "here is this great job because I have given you this passion to serve in disadvantage schools, but I need you to lay down your whole marriage/family/dog dream on the altar" So if you are familiar with the Abraham & Isaac story that reference makes sense...if not...go read it...here. Now...if I didn't have issues with thinking God wanted to take care of me...this wouldn't be such a big deal. I may even think God would give me the Abraham route and not take what I put on the alter.

However, such is life and I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that God is the one who gave me these desires in the first place and that He loves me. That combination should lead one to trust that God knows what I need and that if I followed Him everything would be fine. As if that was an easy thing to do...

So this is the game plan. I'm going to take the job. I'm going to jump. It's terrifying. I made this decision last night. I woke up every hour last night. Ugh.

Here's the thing though. This verse is more true right now then at any other time. Which is pretty sweet. So here I am...about to graduate and I have a job lined up...a sweet job. I should feel secure and accomplished. Instead I feel humbled and so utterly reliant on God taking care of me that the loss of control is completely overwhelming. It's the most beautiful awful thing ever.

werd.

It's going to be an interesting landing...

Born into Brothels

Wow.

I just got done watching this documentary: http://www.kids-with-cameras.org/bornintobrothels/

I'm speechless, maybe dumbstruck, or maybe I'm awestruck.

I'm speechless at the conditions these children exist in. The physical conditions, what they must have been seeing from their earliest ages in those brothels, how they see their mothers being treated, or their fathers acting. To see ten-year olds recount their parents deplorable behavior and end their sentence with...but I know I must love them anyways. To see their hearts on full display is beautiful and heartbreaking in the same instance.

Dumbstruck is my view of the woman in the film. She is devoting herself entirely to these children without any guarantee of success. I can't help but wonder how she got to this point, what motivates her, and what provides her this endurance.

Combine the two together and I'm awestruck. I know that I should never underestiate the resiliance of the human spirit, but these children have odds so frightening I can't believe they can continue to get up each day let alone have the advernturaous bold spirits that they do. At one point in the film they must all be tested for HIV and the feeling of fear that the woman possess for them brings the viewer starkingly close to the reality of these children's existence. They live in a brothel...they've always lived in a brothel...sometimes for generations of their family.

There is something about being ripped from your reality into the reality of our world that is hard to describe. I say ripped because I've been so caught in my own life that I have developed a warped reality. I've been consumed by the anxiety and stress of finding a job and graduating from college. I've failed to see the amazing opportunities that await me and the blessing that education has been. At one point in the film one of the children's mothers is burnt to death by her pimp. The son later states "there is no hope in my future". I don't know which is more frightening...the fact that he actually knows what that statement means or that he feels that way at such a young age.

This was an unbelievably powerful film and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested. I really can't describe it right now.