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You haven't heard this one yet...

The majesty of creation is visible everywhere. The tranquilty of nature, the beauty of relationships, and the little flutters of joy we experience each day are examples.

Even more significant are examples of the Gospel that appear. God has an amazing way of repeating examples of this story everywhere in creation and if we're not careful we just may miss it. Science has revealed to me the beauty of creation and the story of the Gospel more than once...it's one of the reasons I love biology so much. The following story again leaves me awestruck at God's craftmanship of creation.

It starts with the human immune system. The immune system contains various cells such as B-cells, T-cells, and the rarely seen antigen presenting cell (APC). This cell is so rare it can rarely be found...let alone photographed...this image is the first image that was ever taken of this cell.



Big deal, right? Just a cell...let me explain how this cell works.

In order for your immune system to attack a foreign body, kill it, and save you, it must first recognize an invader. This cell, the APC, recognizes invading viruses. It engulfs them and then covers itself in the virus protein. The other immune cells then recognize the APC as a virus and kill it. They now know how to recognize invaders and go on to save you from death.

Did you miss it?

Let's recap.

Pristine, pefectly health APC cell comes across a virus. It then takes on the virus, literally covers itself with it, becomes the virus, and then dies to save our lives.

Jesus, perfect man, Son of God comes to our broken world of sin. He takes on our sin and dies for us on the cross so we may have eternal life.

This is how our immune systems are designed.

There is no God? There is no creator? The gospel is a fairy tale?

ARE YOU KIDDING?!

The way our bodies protect us against attack is modeled after the Gospel that saves our souls.

God is amazing.

Thriving and surviving

What exaclty does each of those words mean in my daily life?

Are we always expected to be thriving? Is it ok to survive? I believe that God expects us to struggle, to barely crawl, or sometimes just to lean on Him. However, when I think of the word survive...a dark cloud drifts in. It doesn't seem appropriate to ever just survive.

Is there a middle ground?

I think the answer is no. However, I know the human perspective is limited and this seems to be a case in which that matters. Do we understand God's definition of thriving and surviving?

Webster defines "to thrive" as follows:
(1) to grow vigorously
(2) to gain in wealth or possessions : prosper
(3) to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances —often used with on

and defines "to survive:
(1) to remain alive or in existence : live on
(2) to continue to function or prosper

This year is rough...I've often classified my state as surving.. Along with this has come a nagging sense of guilt that I'm not being faithful to what God has asked me to do; or, more often, guilty of having a bad attitude and not approaching life with joy. I've felt as though God has called us to a life in which we thrive and that I was failing.

I think my definition is wrong. I defined thriving as feeling energetic, adventerous, significant, showing obvious growth, or being optimisitic. I also defined it as feeling in control and independent...which is the opposite of what this year has been. I've been more dependent on the help of others, support of others, and encouragement by my friends and family then ever before. I've also felt maddenly out of control.

How can I be thriving?

But then I stopped. I reflected and I asked God to perform a miracle. It was a bad day and I was spent. He spoke...finally. Thriving means to grow vigourously or to progress towards a goal.

Yes, I want to be a successful professional and good teacher. But it's not the ultimate goal. I want to be a woman of God. I've learned more through this year of trail then any other time in my life.

I've learned to lean...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

I've learned to trust...I don't know why I'm here or if I'm even contributing at all, but God wants me here...so I'll trust him.

I've learned to be loved. Everyone I love is far away...and the people here are often downright mean or distant. I have to trust that God loves me no matter what and that it can be enough for me.

I'm very stubborn and independent. Some of those I've trusted most have wounded me the worst in my life. God is not a person, I know He is perfect, but that doesn't make it easier to remember these things in the darkest moments.

Thank goodness there is grace.

There just isn't enough time to reflect on the myriad of events, interactions, and frustrations that occur each day in my classroom, with administration, and in the hallway.

Sometimes it's enough to just want to throw in the towel. I get lost in which battle I'm trying to fight.

I cam here for one battle...these kids are more likely to drop-out then go to college. Most of them cannot read at grade level...math is even worse. They have to resist gangs, teen pregnancy, chaotic homes, abuse, neglect, hunger, betrayl from those who are supposed to care for them, and who knows what else. Some of their parents are a mere four or five years older then I. They need help, advocates, love, care, attention, devotion, and someone who can tell them they can make it and push them to get there. Many people make resolution and give up when the road gets tough...same with these kids. It's hard...a battle...constant and draining.

But that was all I expected. I didn't expect for my principal to tell me I didn't care and that it was evident, that I had poor regard for classroom management, that I didn't know how to lesson plan, that I made to many copies, that I didn't write dark enough on the chalkboard, that my room was disorganized, and all the other accusations I have felt.

I didn't expect parents response to my phone calls to be "she said your class is boring and she doesn't like science" or "he got all C's so I bought him an iphone".

What battle do I even fight? I'm fighting to survive the work week...thoughts of thriving have been long gone.

But am I even fighting for these kids anymore? My principal is the reason the school is failing...without a doubt. But she runs us...what do we do?

If it's anything like the last two years 50% of the staff will quit...the kids will lose stability...again. Collaboration will fail, commradrie will fail, and the cycle will continue.

ugh.

A little crushed.

Breaks are amazing. The end of breaks are overwhelming.

Someone once said "If you don't like something, work hard to change it. If you do that and you still don't like it you can quit."

I'm trying so hard to do well at work. To figure out organization, lesson planning, classroom management, and how to work with all new people I don't know. To be honest though, I hate it.

Last year I would enjoy going to school. I was either excited about something I was going to try or excited about something else that was going to happen. Day's off were nice...not a goal to strive to in hopes of not going insane by the time they come around. The motivation to make creative lessons or try labs is completely gone. Constant evaluations have left me feeling discouraged and incompetent.

I want to be hopeful. I want to believe I'll catch on and stop being critiqued. Really though...I want it to be June 10...I want to be done. I want to move back to Michigan and pretend this never happened.

Mrs., Ms., or Miss

DISCLAIMER: this is a bit of a rant.

I have never had any confusion about the rules surrounding the usage of Mrs, Ms, and Miss. If you are single 0 to 18 you are a Miss. If you are single above 18 you are a Ms. and if you are married you are a Mrs. However, there is a growing trend to hyphenate, keep your maiden name, and in decreasing amounts take your husbands last name.

There used to be very little argument about Mrs, Ms, and Miss and taking a married name. What's changed? A lot apparently. So much so that Time felt the need to profile the debate in this editorial about the development of names. In summary, the article states that feminists fought for the different titles and that now women can feel free to not care which they use and that most will choose to rotate through the three on any given day.

So...the biggest achievement is that when one wants to stand alone and receive credit use Ms. as in Ms. Clinton is Secretary of State, but Mrs. Clinton threw a dinner party.

A small note in the article stated that there is a loss of entitlement when a woman is referred to by her husband's last name. That being Mrs. "somebody" shows ownership and a loss of female independence.

When did that happen?

I think most would read this article non-chalantly and agree that it makes sense. I have to disagree. Miss, Ms, and Mrs are meant to be very clear terms...not an arbitrary address women pick and choose depending on the situation.

When did the connection of marriage between man and women mean that the woman was downgraded and seen as property? Articles and debates like this give little glimmers into what has happened to marriage in the modern world and why it is falling apart.

Why does a women have any less credit due to her accomplishments if the name in the news article is Mrs.? Our society sees the name wrong. The last name isn't the husbands...it's the couple's last name,but society would argue that the woman was forced to take the husbands name...that she had her name taken from her. When a man and woman decide to get married they become one unit...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It isn't a power struggle for attention or credit.

Our society repeatedly and consistently fails to see marriage the way it was intended. Marriage isn't about a woman belonging to a man. It is about two people belonging to each other. As long as journalists and politicians allow stupid debates like this to chip away and distort what the relationship of marriage is there is no use wasting their energies trying to fix the American family.

rant over.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Miss's, Ms.'s, Mrs', and Mr's!

Observations.

Every time I have an observation...I suffer a ridiculous amount of pressure for three days leading up to it. I then have three days of dread before I sit in the conference room to be made to feel like a child as my micro-manager principal nit-picks every detail of the 30 minutes she saw and then extrapolates her observation to ALL of my teaching.

It isn't that I have a problem being observed or even evaluated. However, we don't have a set system. There is nothing to aim for such as the IMPACT system. She just writes down everything...I mean everything...my last observation included a critique of my ability to write neatly and darkly enough on the chalkboard. I just need to know how I'm judged and then given guidance as too correct any shortcomings I have shown. I'm a first year teacher...I know I have short-comings...but help me don't just slap me in the face.

I like what Jay Matthews has to say here

I tend to always agree with him and almost always disagree with the other chick they have blogging. She says some RIDICULOUS things...like this. Standards are a good idea...but they need to be national and school funding needs to be INDEPENDENT of community wealth.

This weeks quality of work life points...

1. Four fights in one day (-2)
2. Having my observation (-10)
3. Getting one more observation out of the way (+10)
4. One of my students is officially a lost run-away (-10)
5. Watching a lot of my students kill it in the musical (+8)...they are so AWESOME
6. Getting a day of leave approved (+10)
7. Getting destroyed for the rest of the meeting under the guise of "the administrator helping out a first year because no one helped her when she was new" (-20)

This weeks total: -14...ouch, yea...felt like one of those weeks.

And please don't talk to me about this:

Answered prayers

This week I started working with a new co-teacher. She is amazing. She sits and helps the students and controls the discipline issues that come up. More then that she is just competent and I like her. I'm hoping that maybe this hour getting a little easier will help with my feelings on life.

I wake up some mornings and I'm astounded by how hard every single day is. I lay there for a brief moment feeling suspended in between reality and the way I pictured adult life. However, it's only a moment because if I dwell to long I probably wouldn't get out of bed. In fact, I don't know if I would even call in sick...I'd just be frozen.

You don't dream about day to day. You just dream about the big chunks...when you can buy a dog, getting married, having kids, your first house, picking your own car. You don't think about the little things though...until your laying in your bed staring at the ceiling wondering how you have ended up where you are.

There is no class or internship that prepares you for life...for the day to day. Maybe that's what makes it such an adventure. In general I have no idea what the crap I'm doing...but there are moments...moments when everything seems right.

Here's hoping those moments increase.

gratitude

thirty-six.
Christmas music

thirty-seven.
Peppermint mocha

thirty-eight.
my amazing family

thirty-nine.
wet-dry hair straightners...save soooo much time.

forty.
daydreams

forty-one.
good observation notes

forty-two.
good observation notes!

forty-three.
warm apple cider

forty-four.
making Christmas cards

forty-five.
fun co-workers

University of Michigan football

Boys...you need to play in the 3rd and 4th quarters too!

Girly Girl moments I will never have...

Just for fun:

1. I will never read any book written by Stephanie Meyer. I’m sorry Twilight addicts, but your obsession is beyond my comprehension. I mean, for goodness sake, the blood sucking, murdering vampires sparkle; how weird is that?

2.I will never tote my dog/pet around with me like a fashion accessory. Your four-legged friend is a companion, not a fashion accessory.

3. I will never allow a day of feeling overweight or unattractive compromise my daily activities. There are not enough days at the beach or at the cottage as it is.

4. My make-up/hair routine will never make me late for an event.

5. I will never get upset with a man for holding the door for me, nor will I get upset with him if he doesn’t. It’s a door, not a social lightning rod. Don’t turn the simple act of entering a room into a commentary on feminism/your relationship/gender roles. Again, it’s a door.

6. I will never tote my dog/pet around with me like a fashion accessory. Your four-legged friend is a companion, not a fashion accessory. *IN ADDITION* Any dog I own will never be small enough to fit in any form of a bag.

I'm sure I will think of more as I notice more dumb girly things around...

How much should you work?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend while watching the miserable Penn St. v. U of M football game. She discussed how much we work and that you can't be doing your job well if you are not doing work at home/thinking about work at home. She said that everyone she knows across many fields (non-profits, teaching, engineering, politics, medicine, law) work long hours and put in time from home. We have to be constantly working in order to be successful.

Is that true?

American's work more than any other country. Is that a good thing? How has it affected our productivity? Our economy? Our families? Our health?

Thoughts?

Cooking for one

This week is a short week with no "mandatory fun night" and a trip home packed into the weekend...so this week's menu is a bit short

Monday: Chicken Pesto Pizza

Tuesday:
I'm in a hurry ham and cheese omelet

Wednesday:
Faijitas

Thursday:
airport food

twenty-five.
pandora radio

twenty-six.
chocolate mint coffee creamer

twenty-seven.
Explaining to a kid that he will get beat up in high school if he continues to treat his classmates in the manner he does

twenty-eight.
old memories that come back unexpectedly

twenty-nine.
snail mail from people you didn't think would ever send you mail

thirty.
single digit countdowns to something you are excited about

thirty-one.
growing up twenty minutes from Lake Michigan

thirty-two.
the plant from my Grandma's funeral that keeps growing

thirty-three.
The strength and peace from God to keep going when everyone would understand if you quit

thirty-four.
ice cream for dinner

thirty-five.
Middle schooler smiles

Procrastination station

A blog trend...jumping on the band wagon

1. Where is your cell phone? in my bag
2. Your hair? Blonde
3. Your mother? far away
4. Your father? amazing
5. Your favorite food? ice cream
6. Your dream last night? didn't
7. Your favorite drink? Chardonnay
8. Your dream/goal? to run a school district
9. What room are you in? my classroom
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? failing
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? umm...plead the fifth
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? caught up on work
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. Wish list item? Ralph Lauren
17. Where did you grow up? Michigan
18. Last thing you did? graded papers
19. What are you wearing? cheerleading practice clothes
20. Your TV? Grey's Anatomy
21. Your pets? I wish...PUPPIES!
22. Friends? too far away but the best in the world
23. Your life? constant challenge and completely fufilling
24. Your mood? overworked
25. Missing someone? the boy
26. Vehicle? I want a black bmw
27. Something you’re not wearing? hair tie
28. Your favorite store? The Limited
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? when the bird came out of the cieling in my clasroom and the boys dove under their desks
31. Last time you cried? two Sundays ago...knock on wood
32. Your best friend? Erin
33. One place that I go to over and over? Borders
34. One person who emails me regularly? my old roommates
35. Favorite place to eat? anywhere I'm not cooking or cleaning

On adult life...

I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy...like if it's on...I will watch it. It was always the light at the end of the tunnel in college. Inorganic, organic, and physics exams were always on Tuesday nights. Thursday nights were always a bottle of white wine with the girlfriends that signified the end of the week. This habitual comfort has carried on...unfortunately, minus the white wine and girlfriends.

Anyways...I was in a funk most of the day. Pretty much until five minutes ago (read 8pm). I think its because life has a ton of distinctions and then you are dumped into adulthood and you can't figure out up from down.

I wake up some mornings...lay there for a second and think "is this my life...when did I grow up?!" If I lay there too long I actually feel my heart beat quicken and my blood pressure spike. An alarm goes off on my phone (a phone I pay for), then I step out of my bed (that I own), and walk out into the living room (of my own apartment I live in alone). I get ready by showering and putting in my contacts and brushing my teeth (which my continued health now shows that I manage Dr. appointments). Then I go to my car (that I own and insure) and drive to my full-time job (for which I get things like benefits and am responsible for the growth and education of over 100 students).

The last time I feel like life was well-paced and I had some grasp was in high school. Then I blinked and woke up here.

Now there aren't any distincitions. Before eight-teen there is infant, toddler, pre-kindergarten, kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school. That is seven distinct stages all before eighteen. Then there is adulthood...what is in adulthood? Nothing. adulthood then retirement.

I'm young, single, and childless. I have amazing independence, ample time, and I think I have found the right career field. I should feel unrestricted, adventurous, and limitless.

I think I just feel confused. Standing in the middle of a giant field and you can't see anything but field. There are infinite directions I could walk in.

There aren't any measures anymore. No grades. No semesters. One year rolls into the next.

How do you tell if you're doing life well?

I know life is about being a disciple of Jesus, but what do the details look like. I could live a hundred versions of my life doing that, but what does everything else look like?

How does this relate to Grey's Anatomy? They are adults...highly successful professionally. But...they cry all the time. I think every character on there has done something insane and cried ten times. I know its just a show, but this makes me feel so much better about crying and doing insane things and wondering if this is what life is supposed to look like.

Recent gifts

fourteen.
sweatpants

fifteen.
Cuddling on a couch watching a movie with an old friend

sixteen.
white wine

seventeen.
dinner out with a bunch of girls

eighteen.
cooking your mom's chili recipe and feeling warm inside

nineteen.
fall colors with the sun setting on them

twenty.
unexpected mail

twenty-one.
diet pop

twenty-two.
three day weekends!

twenty-three.
warm-baked goods

twenty-four.
hugs...the most underrated form of affection ever

ten.
afternoon naps while it's raining outside

eleven.
unexpected out-of-control bouts of laughter

twelve.
the anticipation of waiting to visit people you miss dearly

thirteen.
seeing pictures that make you excited for all life has to offer (the last one is my little sister...so precious):

Today's gifts

five.
Excessive amounts of Grey's Anatomy

six.
The comfort of warm coffee with french vanilla cream in the morning

seven.
slipping into your favorite jeans

eight.
barefeet

nine.
moments of silence