There just isn't enough time to reflect on the myriad of events, interactions, and frustrations that occur each day in my classroom, with administration, and in the hallway.

Sometimes it's enough to just want to throw in the towel. I get lost in which battle I'm trying to fight.

I cam here for one battle...these kids are more likely to drop-out then go to college. Most of them cannot read at grade level...math is even worse. They have to resist gangs, teen pregnancy, chaotic homes, abuse, neglect, hunger, betrayl from those who are supposed to care for them, and who knows what else. Some of their parents are a mere four or five years older then I. They need help, advocates, love, care, attention, devotion, and someone who can tell them they can make it and push them to get there. Many people make resolution and give up when the road gets tough...same with these kids. It's hard...a battle...constant and draining.

But that was all I expected. I didn't expect for my principal to tell me I didn't care and that it was evident, that I had poor regard for classroom management, that I didn't know how to lesson plan, that I made to many copies, that I didn't write dark enough on the chalkboard, that my room was disorganized, and all the other accusations I have felt.

I didn't expect parents response to my phone calls to be "she said your class is boring and she doesn't like science" or "he got all C's so I bought him an iphone".

What battle do I even fight? I'm fighting to survive the work week...thoughts of thriving have been long gone.

But am I even fighting for these kids anymore? My principal is the reason the school is failing...without a doubt. But she runs us...what do we do?

If it's anything like the last two years 50% of the staff will quit...the kids will lose stability...again. Collaboration will fail, commradrie will fail, and the cycle will continue.

ugh.

A little crushed.

Breaks are amazing. The end of breaks are overwhelming.

Someone once said "If you don't like something, work hard to change it. If you do that and you still don't like it you can quit."

I'm trying so hard to do well at work. To figure out organization, lesson planning, classroom management, and how to work with all new people I don't know. To be honest though, I hate it.

Last year I would enjoy going to school. I was either excited about something I was going to try or excited about something else that was going to happen. Day's off were nice...not a goal to strive to in hopes of not going insane by the time they come around. The motivation to make creative lessons or try labs is completely gone. Constant evaluations have left me feeling discouraged and incompetent.

I want to be hopeful. I want to believe I'll catch on and stop being critiqued. Really though...I want it to be June 10...I want to be done. I want to move back to Michigan and pretend this never happened.

Mrs., Ms., or Miss

DISCLAIMER: this is a bit of a rant.

I have never had any confusion about the rules surrounding the usage of Mrs, Ms, and Miss. If you are single 0 to 18 you are a Miss. If you are single above 18 you are a Ms. and if you are married you are a Mrs. However, there is a growing trend to hyphenate, keep your maiden name, and in decreasing amounts take your husbands last name.

There used to be very little argument about Mrs, Ms, and Miss and taking a married name. What's changed? A lot apparently. So much so that Time felt the need to profile the debate in this editorial about the development of names. In summary, the article states that feminists fought for the different titles and that now women can feel free to not care which they use and that most will choose to rotate through the three on any given day.

So...the biggest achievement is that when one wants to stand alone and receive credit use Ms. as in Ms. Clinton is Secretary of State, but Mrs. Clinton threw a dinner party.

A small note in the article stated that there is a loss of entitlement when a woman is referred to by her husband's last name. That being Mrs. "somebody" shows ownership and a loss of female independence.

When did that happen?

I think most would read this article non-chalantly and agree that it makes sense. I have to disagree. Miss, Ms, and Mrs are meant to be very clear terms...not an arbitrary address women pick and choose depending on the situation.

When did the connection of marriage between man and women mean that the woman was downgraded and seen as property? Articles and debates like this give little glimmers into what has happened to marriage in the modern world and why it is falling apart.

Why does a women have any less credit due to her accomplishments if the name in the news article is Mrs.? Our society sees the name wrong. The last name isn't the husbands...it's the couple's last name,but society would argue that the woman was forced to take the husbands name...that she had her name taken from her. When a man and woman decide to get married they become one unit...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It isn't a power struggle for attention or credit.

Our society repeatedly and consistently fails to see marriage the way it was intended. Marriage isn't about a woman belonging to a man. It is about two people belonging to each other. As long as journalists and politicians allow stupid debates like this to chip away and distort what the relationship of marriage is there is no use wasting their energies trying to fix the American family.

rant over.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Miss's, Ms.'s, Mrs', and Mr's!

Observations.

Every time I have an observation...I suffer a ridiculous amount of pressure for three days leading up to it. I then have three days of dread before I sit in the conference room to be made to feel like a child as my micro-manager principal nit-picks every detail of the 30 minutes she saw and then extrapolates her observation to ALL of my teaching.

It isn't that I have a problem being observed or even evaluated. However, we don't have a set system. There is nothing to aim for such as the IMPACT system. She just writes down everything...I mean everything...my last observation included a critique of my ability to write neatly and darkly enough on the chalkboard. I just need to know how I'm judged and then given guidance as too correct any shortcomings I have shown. I'm a first year teacher...I know I have short-comings...but help me don't just slap me in the face.

I like what Jay Matthews has to say here

I tend to always agree with him and almost always disagree with the other chick they have blogging. She says some RIDICULOUS things...like this. Standards are a good idea...but they need to be national and school funding needs to be INDEPENDENT of community wealth.

This weeks quality of work life points...

1. Four fights in one day (-2)
2. Having my observation (-10)
3. Getting one more observation out of the way (+10)
4. One of my students is officially a lost run-away (-10)
5. Watching a lot of my students kill it in the musical (+8)...they are so AWESOME
6. Getting a day of leave approved (+10)
7. Getting destroyed for the rest of the meeting under the guise of "the administrator helping out a first year because no one helped her when she was new" (-20)

This weeks total: -14...ouch, yea...felt like one of those weeks.

And please don't talk to me about this:

Answered prayers

This week I started working with a new co-teacher. She is amazing. She sits and helps the students and controls the discipline issues that come up. More then that she is just competent and I like her. I'm hoping that maybe this hour getting a little easier will help with my feelings on life.

I wake up some mornings and I'm astounded by how hard every single day is. I lay there for a brief moment feeling suspended in between reality and the way I pictured adult life. However, it's only a moment because if I dwell to long I probably wouldn't get out of bed. In fact, I don't know if I would even call in sick...I'd just be frozen.

You don't dream about day to day. You just dream about the big chunks...when you can buy a dog, getting married, having kids, your first house, picking your own car. You don't think about the little things though...until your laying in your bed staring at the ceiling wondering how you have ended up where you are.

There is no class or internship that prepares you for life...for the day to day. Maybe that's what makes it such an adventure. In general I have no idea what the crap I'm doing...but there are moments...moments when everything seems right.

Here's hoping those moments increase.

gratitude

thirty-six.
Christmas music

thirty-seven.
Peppermint mocha

thirty-eight.
my amazing family

thirty-nine.
wet-dry hair straightners...save soooo much time.

forty.
daydreams

forty-one.
good observation notes

forty-two.
good observation notes!

forty-three.
warm apple cider

forty-four.
making Christmas cards

forty-five.
fun co-workers